It's taken me a while...

As I’m writing this, I acknowledge that I have SO much that I have to learn… but I also have so many questions.

I’ve fought against it for so long… resisted…

I could keep doing that… keep being angry…

But, that’s not the story I want to live…

God of all stories, Author and Finisher,

I don’t know my earthly end.

I just know I’m struggling with the middle.

Not just the parts I’m going through…

but the parts that others are going through…

Jesus… you made the way: yourself —

the way to life, the way to freedom,

the way to overcome hate and hardship in this world.

I fought you for so long… I didn’t want to accept the story you were writing.

And I’m still struggling with parts… chapters… and with the fact that I don’t know exactly where I’m going.

But, I have You. And, for me, it is enough. I need You to be enough.

I know myself, and I know I forget. I know I wander.

I know my tendency to want to take back control.

I don’t know the whole story. Only Your ending.

Help us survive the hard chapters.

Help us to keep surrendering the pen.

Because You, Lord, write a better story.

Everything That Screams

There seems to be an ongoing, revolving door of banshees that are screaming in the ears of my inner most heart.

And, some of those banshees look like me… because I’m the one screaming at myself sometimes.

It’s a sea of noise that turns my bones to ice, making treacherous the way, leaving behind not the fog of war, but a massacre.

Why do I do the screaming?

Because of a fear that that delusion of thinking of anything there’s anything good in me will lead me down the path of arrogance again…

I acknowledge it’s fear in extremes…

Because the Lord is a Lord of temperance, centeredness, and peace.

It’s because I allow the world and myself… my innermost heart… speak to an already unsettled and rickety mind that sometimes feels like its on the verge of plunging into infinite shadows…

But, I remember what’s at stake.

I remember what the Lord did.

I remember what the Lord gave.

And, I can’t allow myself down that path… the path of hopelessness, despair, nihilism, and death.

There’s too much to be fought for… and I’m part of that fight… fighting for myself, but also… because there’s more at stake than just my world… my cares, my pains…

The pains of others, which from the outside looking, look 10000x heavier… what about them? Who is taking care of them?

I know You are, God…

But, is there more that could be done for them if people like me weren’t so in our heads?

These hearts cry out… they scream, and loud.

Hearts in anguish.

And, the state of our broken world… torn apart by war and hate… death day after day…

The dead cry out…. for justice and for vengeance…

The suffering cry out for hope.

The wars outside create wars inside…

what can be done for them?

I’m just one person… but on top of that,

My failures scream…

My past screams…

My broken heart screams…

My hate screams…

My anger screams…

My bitterness screams…

My fear screams…

People scream…

The World screams…

The Devil screams……

And, I listen.

I lost Your voice the woods because like I stupid kid I wandered… wandered away from You…

You don’t scream like everything else…

You whisper.

I need new ears to hear, God…. because I’ve deafened mine.

I need to hear where you need me to go.

I need to remember that You love me.

Let Your voice drown out and also be the answer to everything that screams.

"Why?" — Part 2

I’m trying to come up with words…

But, as of late, words have become a blight.

They can never fully convey what’s inside…

and my words are overused…

And made devoid of meaning…

Meaning I now have to earn again…

So, I’ll speak plain:

“Why?”

It was because the reality of how dark and infected my heart had become

had to be shown to me.

I was, spiritually, dying by degrees.

and that low moment

was the catalyst that led me to the Savior…

Even now, the terrifying nature of my flesh and deceitful heart I see as a plague…

Keeping me from everything that brings life.

So, I can’t let up…

I can’t stop fighting…

I can’t get distracted…

I can’t fall asleep…

There’s too much at stake.

There's work to be done.

None of my “kingdoms” on this earth are worth it.

“Why?”

Because I had to wake up.

"Why?"

“Why?”

You’re helping me to understand ‘pain’… and how to work through it…

That I might more easily relate and care for other people’s struggles

while learning to think of myself less...

and, that I may also experience joy more fully…

and share in that with those around me.

You’re teaching me how to let go…

for I hadn’t yet learn how to ‘lose.’

You’re teaching me how to find strength & peace in You…

because life’s chaoses will never cease.

You’re building my hope and faith…

both of which didn’t exist before.

You’re taking care of what’s not mine to have…

& taking me where Your will and work needs to be done.

There are already many answers to the question “why?”

The Promise of a Future

I struggle to believe/remember that I have a future.

I think it’s mostly due to the fact that my ideas of what makes a fulfilling and meaningful life and a hopeful future are still very ingrained with the idea that it looks like (x).

So, daring to dream or imagine something that looks different… or doesn’t have everything I want (or THOUGHT I wanted) still comes with a significant amount of fear and dread.

And the things in life that cause existential dread - health issues, political unrest, wars, being ostracized an unkind humanity…still remain.

I need to remember what “home” is.

I need to remember where home is.

That ‘Arrival’ doesn’t happen in this life, but in the next.

And…that’s just incredibly fucking hard to wait for.

Turning back around… going back to where I just was

would be a lie.

While comfortable… it’s clear that that place isn’t meant for me anymore.

It was never meant to be.

A life steeped in selfishness and temporal kingdoms that would be doomed to crumble in time.

That’s no life to live.

So, we wait… we walk the new path.

…we cling to the promises…

…and we keep working and keep serving.

Trying to help a world that is void of much hope.

We endure hardness… fighting the good fight.

What Propels Us Forward?

I need a mission…

This might a guy thing… a general hardwired part of the male brain and heart.

I’m trying to learn what it means to be a man from God’s perspective.

All throughout the Word there are both positive and negative examples of manhood.

There were great men.

There are great men who fell.

Men who were fallen who rose to greatness.

And that whole concept of “greatness” is so abstract.

What I - and the society I live in - had branded as greatness before I started following Jesus was very empty.

I was looking for “greatness” in my work and personality.

But character, integrity, courage, servanthood, a lover of people, leadership, sacrifice… those were the things that I failed to see were of true value in this life… those attributes make a man of God.

Two of Jesus’s disciples asked, “Can we be seated at your right and left hand in heaven?”

This question actually created contention with the other disciples.

Jesus said, “the one who would be considered greatest is the person who serves everyone.”

His exact words (in certain translations) were “slave of all.”

“Slave” = general servant/workman back in that day.

Pretty evocative statement, though. Being a “slave to all” or willing to serve… anyone and everyone.

THAT is the kind of man that the Lord and Jesus said is the greatest.

So, the question is then… what does that look like? In the day to day?

At this juncture in my life, overspiritualizing is out the door.

In the past I would have burned myself out trying to help everyone out of a sense of legalistic moralistic obligation and lip service.

Being able to help anyone, though…

Rising to the occasion when there is a need,

Being willing to inconvenience yourself for someone else’s good,

Giving of your “substance”…your resources, your time, your money…

Those are just practical examples. They’re simple and applicable.

For the Christ-follower, the mission is the Kingdom of God. Building the Kingdom first and foremost above all things.

It’s loving the broken. It’s helping people in need.

It’s helping people find hope.

THAT’S what I’m working for and fighting for.

But also, there are stakes. What are the negative consequences of not working? Not fighting?

There are negative consequences… we’ve got to remember that too.

There are consequences to doing nothing.

It’s a fight to remember. It’s a fight to put yourself aside.

Self-denial…dying to self…taking up one’s cross… looking at others’ needs before my own…

It’s all hard.

But, this is the road of following Jesus. It’s a far better road than the one I was on.

God, help me remember the mission. Help me remember what I’m fighting for.

"Courage"

 

You didn’t run.

You didn’t fight.

You didn’t break.

You took the cup for us

And willingly

Went into the jaws of death.

Because You loved us,

You showed Courage.

I recently finished the Gospel of Mark.

And, as with all accounts of the life of Jesus, it ends with His crucifixion.

‘Courage’ has been a recurring word and idea in this season.

As a man…. who lacked courage for most of his life…

Asking the Lord to show me what courage looks like… how I can acquire it…

He showed me this:

Jesus prayed in garden. He was distressed, but he didn’t back down. He was arrested and taken before an angry mob stirred up by religious leaders that hated him. He stood before a state official who released a criminal to placate the crowds. His friends ran, abandon Him, and even denied to have been associated with Him.

He was flogged, mutilated with whips, spat on by guards, and then forced to carry the instrument of his death up a hill.

He had his hands and feet nailed into a cross, and hung from it, unable to breathe, in front of a mocking crowd…in front of his family.

And, through it all… He didn’t run, though He could have. He gave himself over willingly.

He didn’t fight, though He could have called down legions of angels from heaven.

He didn’t break. His spirit, His focus, His determination, remained steadfast.

So, when I asked God to show me what courage looks like, He said:

“This is what ‘Courage’ looks like.”

As I go through this life, I want the courage He had, even if just a portion of it. The courage to die for the sake of others and the Kingdom, but also, the courage to live…to face life’s toughest battles…that all pale in comparison to the trial of the Cross.

But, that is the Gospel: Jesus taking it ALL so that we have the power and freedom to live.

Like anything else, if there is something we want - hope, wisdom, courage - we can ask the Savior and the Father - who gives perfect gifts and makes the things we ask according to His will come to pass.

Ask for courage. And know, also, that the Lord is always with you.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

—Joshua 1:9

 

Changing Seasons & New Beginnings

Seems like it all happens at once…

Changing seasons, starting over, watching the people you love go through heartaches… life just happens all at once.

My pattern was to hide… to not feel the things… to find ways to escape from it all instead of facing it head on.

I wonder how much I missed out because of living like that?

What lessons did I miss? What healing could have happened? What positive relationships could have been?

Doesn’t make sense to live in the past… I’m learning how to not do that anymore.

And, it’s not just the past. When we look too much toward the future, we end up anxious, worrisome, obsessive… planning things that can’t be guaranteed because we don’t know how the world will change between now and then. Or, how WE will change…

“Blueprints for the future are a fool’s errand.”

- Ron Swanson

I’m learning what it means to live in the present. To just take a step.

What matters is what we do now. Today.

Wish I had…trusted that… before losing so much…but, gratitude overcomes regret.

I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned, for what I’ve gotten to experience, that I can look up and see the people who are still around…that have stuck by… that bad situations didn’t end up worse, that pain heals, that “goodbyes” in Christ is never permanent.

I’m thankful for the Lord… His mercy and grace in my life… that He’d be willing to save someone even as wretched as me. That He makes me part of His family, that He’s faithful and good despite the fact that I’m not always.

And, that He plans good things for His kids.

There’s peace here… in the present. Even though it hurts a little still. I can, for now at least, rest my head.

If given tomorrow, I’ll go out into that fray and fight the good fight.

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

– Lamentations 1:21-23

What I Didn't Realize

I didn’t realize that this would hurt like hell.

That moment when everything clicks and all of a sudden you’re aware of yourself, reality, the world, losses, sobering truths that are incredibly loathsome to face… and that sinking feeling that is reminiscent of, “Oh no… no, no, no, no, no….. this is bad.”

And then, it just hurts. When you’re a person like me who didn’t learn how to process pain properly over the years… you become a person blind to the fact that he has dynamite strapped to him, while dancing with swords that have been duct-taped to your hands and elbows while wearing roller skates.

You want to be comforted… but you’re volatile and end up hurting people.

It takes a lot of honesty, love, and pain to get you out of that cycle and back on the right path… a path of sobriety of mind, a path of repentance, and a path of pursuing peace and purpose.

It took two things to get me here: loss… loss of one of the most precious things I could’ve ever known in my entire life and the hammer of hard truth from the kind of loyal, honest friend - someone simply saying, “you’ve been a dick… and have kinda been one for 20 years.” (They didn’t actually say that. That’s my paraphrased gist version). The loss had to come first.

That’s what it took to wake me up….

Wake me up to myself… my sin… to my need of Jesus.

To ‘hope.’ To life. For a chance to live differently…. one I may not have gotten if not for the loss… the humbling.

The loss hurts like hell. The humility is an ongoing refining and struggle… but I’m glad it’s happening.

It just hurts like hell… but I’m here for it… just wish it didn’t cost what it did.