What do you do when you realize you’re broken?
When you see the actuality of your own messed up-ness and lack of something - something alive… something that feels…that hurts… that goes deep - and you realize that part of you is missing… broken… that an essential part of being human that’s in your brain and in your heart is severely messed up….
…when you see how your actions have hurt people over the course of many years…
…and in those years you were trying to mask the reality, even sought help and change…. but you always seem to end up where you started because the change never really lasted… or maybe wasn’t even real…
when you found yourself caught in a loop….
…what do you do???
“I will not be a loser.”
I was teased and bullied as a kid. Not so severely as to drive me to hurt myself, but just enough to make me want to define myself.
I would determine to “not be a loser” forever. I WOULD get the respect that I deserved from people.
I had a pretty active imagination as a kid and I sought to be like the heroes I watched on TV. Being a hero… THAT would gain me respect, admiration, and acceptance. I wanted to feel powerful, not weak. I wanted to be loved, not rejected. I wanted to be free to be me, not imprisoned by others’ expectations.
It’s crazy how an internal childhood vow would grow to influence my life, even into my adult years: the need for acceptance…to be respected, admired, & loved.
Adolescence only amplified that desire. I was all over the place as a preteen that went from awkward, to happy, to severely depressed. I wanted friends. I wanted romance. I wanted to feel like I was “someone.” But, I had no guidance to navigate these thoughts and feelings…these vast waters. No good guidance, anyway. So, I carried this into my later years.
“As a child I struggled to
Identify most of my misplaced anger and rage
Dealing with a whole emotion of consequences
Based on the way I was raised
The feeling for affection and affirmation
Adjusted performance to get attention and
Gain some sort of acceptance but found
I was always rejected and pushed away
Deep scars feeling of not belonging
Caused hollow emotional walls and any
Attempt to recover from a lost of
Confidence was incredibly small”- Beautiful Eulogy
In general, we as human beings don’t like feeling like losers. We don’t want to feel like we don’t have power. We want some semblance of control. We want to belong. We want to be connected to others. And, we want to feel like we’re part of something bigger than ourselves.
We want to be wanted.
I put my Identity in (X)
In high school, I found friends. I found people that I feel like I could be more myself around. One, in particular, would change the trajectory of my life: a girl.
She was different. She was real. She knew the real, the hard, and meaningful parts of life. That was, to me, my first encounter with depth, meaning, and real love. Love that was outward, expressed, visible, and tangible.
That girl, though, had her own brokenness. And I wanted to be a “hero.” I also wanted the boyfriend benefits without the label. It was an identity. I wanted to be “someone.”
We did eventually date officially, but not for long… Eventually, that girl would go off on her own path. She’d still a very instrumental part of my life in later years. But, her choosing a path away from me left me empty and searching.
Come college, I learned I had a voice and a personality of my own, I used it. And, I thought I was something…someone. I thought I was finally coming out on my own. I thought….
I developed some opinions (because, ya know… opinions make you “intelligent,” right?) and I gained some new skills and “talents” (I knew girls like guys who played guitar, so I learned guitar). But, I was trying to fill a void. I wanted to be self-defined. I didn’t want to need anyone. I wanted to be “strong.”
I was working in sales at the time. I learned I could be confident. I didn’t see people as “scary” anymore.
But, I also learned that I could work people...I learned that when you say the right things, people act and react in desirable ways…. (pretty messed up, huh?). People liked you when you did and said certain things for them. It made me feel good.
And, thus began my career as a manipulative douchebag. (No one believes me when I say I had a douchebag phase. But, I did).
Growing up the American South-East, commonly referred to as the Bible Belt, you had to learn the religious talk. Cultural Christianity has its own politics, “celebrities,” & buzzwords. And, I learned the lines. I learned how to “talk” the talk. But… that’s all I was: Talk.
I lived in the theoretical. I mistook my opinions and talking about spiritual concepts with actually being a good (and “interesting”) person. Discerning life-changing truth from a hypocritical, spiritually self-reliant, self-conscious, self-righteous way of life became increasingly difficult.
I was searching philosophy looking for “wisdom.” More quotes, more wisdom, more “spirituality.”
I learned how to be “humble.” Self-deprecation was my “humility.”
I legitimately thought I was a “good” person.
I fell for this pseudo-spirituality that I thought could help me… but it didn’t realize I was drowning.
This started a pattern that would last deep in to my late 20s and even early 30s…
All of the identities I tried to come up with for myself….. none of them brought me ANY joy or peace. I was just a person jumping from hat to hat, one “defining” identity to another, one relationship to another, one addiction to another.
Continual, exhaustive searching
This was the pattern for about 20 years or so. False humility, pseudo spirituality, the works.
Going into the work force, I was determined to find a path. I was still lacking a ton of guidance, though.
My plans to teach English in China right out of college fell through. All of a sudden, I was directionless because the “plan” didn’t pan out. Because, who are you when the “plan” changes?
Around that time, I started to meet more people that poured into me… and I got a lot of good teaching from those people…. but my pride kept me from ever truly applying or utilizing it in any meaningful or lasting way.
I got into photography (which I believe I’m actually pretty good at!), I was writing, I was serving in church in youth ministry, in the church cafe. I, at one point, even tried to “pursue” music (ask my friends, they’ll tell you I wasn’t serious. ha!)
I got certifications in marketing and was trying to build businesses.
I got titles and promotions at work…
I was trying to help people.
But, none of it filled the hole. It was all still an identity grab… to “be” someone.
I dated a string of women – all of whom were actually wonderful women… (none that I actually deserved). And, each woman I hurt and inevitably dumped. Each one of them had the misfortune of dealing with a narcissistic, lost, and broken person.
And, when bad feelings came - when relationships, jobs, people’s good perception of me faded or ceased - I turned to everything…anything. Because life wasn’t “good” in that moment. Not unless things were perfect. And, by “perfect” I mean in my control… life according to MY rules.
I was already caught up in various addictions that only exacerbated my problems.
My health suffered. I was always stressed. I was always tired.
And, I was always searching… searching for the “answer.”
I jumped from one hat, one “defining” role/identity to another, one pursuit to another, one relationship to another, one addiction to another.
I was caught in cycle. The living definition of ‘insanity.’
…
When you try to put ultimate hope in yourself, this world, other people, some grand cause, addiction, relationship, hobby or some personal identity you’ve come up with for yourself…you’re always gonna come back empty. It might work and hit your brain in an exciting way for a while, but it doesn’t last. You’ll always want something more… something different. You’ll always be searching.
There’s no accomplishment, no job, no amount of money, no relationship, no amount of stuff that you can accumulate… that will ever fill that hole.
Trust me.
I reached the end of myself.
Leading up to this… I had good people in my life, I had good opportunities, chances at pouring into other people… but I was still lacking something important.
And, one day, something triggered it all… and woke me up.
A loss. Pain. That led to fear and anger. (Yes, Yoda was right.) But, I didn’t realize, it was the pattern I had been living for 10 years.
I didn’t handle it particularly well… in fact I behaved like a child.
In doing that, I hurt someone else…again.
Why do I keep hurting people?!
But, this time I wasn’t getting “off the hook.” This person let me HAVE it.
Remember that girl I met in high school? Yeah, it was her.
She was right to. She’s known me a long time. 20 years, in fact. She’s seen and put up with my patterns and B.S. for that long.
Leading up to this point, I had been humbled (and by that I mean “made humble”)…JUST enough to just shut up and listen.
THESE were words I needed to hear…. 20 years worth of truth.
So, I just took it.
It was a lot…a lot to process. I went over the words and realities that were hitting me in my head for days.
But, in that time, what bugged me was that it didn’t bug me more.
How could anyone who has done the things that I’ve done or been the way that I’ve been for that long… not realize it until now… not feel it… and not just be broken by it?
How could I be stuck in this same pattern for so long?
How am I still only thinking of myself in all of this?!
THAT realization broke me: that I wasn’t broken.
It was that coming face to face with my actions that hurt others and what I had done…didn’t immediately… wreck me. That I had been a selfish jag-weed for 20 years.
And, that was it. The truth about my mental/spiritual state just…clicked.
I was both BROKEN & NUMB. All of the patterns, all of the issues, everything that was breaking me down…. I didn’t SEE them. I was SO self-absorbed & self-obsessed that I had such little regard for others…. even the ones closest to me in my life.
I was a collector of people, not a lover of people.
People were a means to make me feel like “someone.”
I was a user.
I was an addict.
I was a narcissist.
So, if I wasn’t immediately broken… I NEEDED to be MADE broken.
During that time, I had two trusted people in my life tell me,
“You need to go to Jesus.”
These were words I had grown up hearing as a youth & as an adult.
“Going to Jesus” was a thing I did when I was in trouble or needed something, when I was between jobs, when my selfish actions affected others and I wanted “feel better” about myself, or when I had health scares. It was when I needed to be “bailed out.”
But, this time, I was just desperate enough, it seems…. that I took those words seriously.
I thought back to what I knew of Jesus. I thought of what I read as a youth, and what I had been reading of Jesus in the book of John,
He asked the disciples, “what do you seek?”
All of them gave their answers.
And his ultimate reply was, “Follow me.”
What did I seek over the years?
Acceptance.
Peace.
Purpose.
What do I seek now?
Those same things. But also….
Change.
And, the answer is still the same: “Follow me.”
It was as if God was saying, “All right. I can do this for you. Just trust me…trust my promises. Follow me.”
And, I said, “ok.”
Broken, on my knees… I decided to put my faith - my trust - in Jesus. And with that came the promises of God: peace, eternal life, love. And - most importantly for me - hope:
…hope in the fact that He took care of everything bad I’ve ever done for on a cross He bore for me…
…hope in a future He has for me… that my earthly future, hard as it might be, is nothing compared to the eternal future He promises…
…and, hope in the fact that I’m never alone. Never ever alone.
I’m just trusting Jesus to do the work in me that I’ve tried to do for years on my own.
The things I’ve done to others… while, yes, I do need to make right as much as I can… i don’t have to carry the guilt and shame for those things the rest of my life anymore.
I can just rest.
I can just walk.
Hope is something I’m not sure that I ever really grasped…until now.
Now, everything I do - my art, my ability to connect with other people, the way I live my life - can be done with greater purpose and meaning.
I can love people truly and deeply.
I believe art and communication are among the tools that I’ve been given by God to help people and communicate ideas and help people, whether it’s sharing hope, processing life, or creating things that are fun and and life-giving. Honestly, I believe creativity is one of the ultimate forms and reflections of who God is. God is a creator (and therefore creative).
It’s just one of the ways I live in service, to both God and humanity.
I don’t work for identity anymore. I can now work from identity: Paul Jacala — loved and created by God to be a follower of Jesus and a worker for the good of humanity.
Because, I have everything I need in Jesus: acceptance, purpose, peace, change…
…and: love, hope, and a future.
So, that’s my story!
I don’t know your reaction to this. My hope is that it provokes thought. Or - if you’ve been looking for hope - that it’s the answer you’ve been looking for.
You might be the reader thinking, “this is a load of BS” or “this dude is crazy.”
And, that’s ok.
I might even lose some friends writing/sharing/posting this….
And, while that would make me sad, I care about you too much to not share this. In fact, I believe I’d truly be a JERK not to share this.
If you’re a person living on this planet, I believe it pertains to you.
I believe that YOU are a created being, an “image bearer” of God. Someone with a heart, mind, thoughts, and a soul…the spark of life.
A vessel… one with the capacity to be loved and filled with hope.
So, if you’ve been searching - if you’re lonely, afraid, ashamed, angry, hiding, hopeless, broken, lost in life, trying to fill a void with careers, addictions, relationships, money, power…
…and you keep coming up empty…
This is for you. I believe this is worth considering.
The reason for ALL of the messed up-ness, evil, atrocity, fear, abuse, racism, terrorism, and brokenness that we see and experience in this world and in ourselves…
Sin.
Sin? Really? Yeah, sin. It’s a thing. Whether we like/believe it or not. It’s the hard, cold truth.
Why does the world suck? Why do people suck? Sin and a sin-marred humanity. People just wreaking havoc on one another. Every day.
We can see and hear it in the news, on our apps, on social media.
But, sin isn’t just a problem for the other guy: the jerk neighbor, the bad customer, the corrupt CEO, the terrorist, the incarcerated, the pedophile, the dictator, the cultist, the gang banger, the embezzler….
It’s ALL OF US.
We “ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)
It’s our natural state without God. We are all marred creations. We ALL need saving… from this world, from ourselves, and from death…“for the wage (or cost) of sin is ‘death’” (Romans 6:23)
What were my sins? Being a user. Being selfish. Crippling addiction, internal hateful anger, narcissistic pride, self-righteousness…
My sins were literally killing me. And, my sins were hurting other people: women, my friends, my family.
Why are we empty and broken? Caught in loops and cycles? Because of our hearts and minds… marred by sin.
And we can’t save ourselves.
But, from this - from sin - we can be saved.
ALL sin was PAID for IN FULL. How? By Jesus…by His death on a cross.
“but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
That was enough... to cover humanity for the ages.
So then, what do we do?
There was a jailer in Rome that asked Paul the Apostle, “what must I do to be saved?”
And, Paul said, “Believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and you shall be saved…” (Acts 16:31)
Our change & our freedom begins with belief. With trust.
We trust the promise that Jesus’ death was sufficient for us, and ask God to fill us, cover us, and save us.
Nothing else can save us. Not our deeds, “goodness”, or family background/lineage, religious or not.
So, how do we get the new life, change, forgiveness…?
We turn. That’s what repentance is. To turn from our usual way of living to following a new path… a change of mind to a new way of thinking…a new way of walking…
We turn TO Jesus.
And, we follow. We follow Him. We pursue Him and HIS way of living.
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24)
“…sell all that you have….and come, follow me.” (Mark 10:21)
In that is forgiveness. To turn and to walk.
“For which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Rise and walk’?” (Matthew 5:9)
That’s it.
That’s all that’s required.
Arise.
Leave everything else behind.
If you want freedom, if you want rest, if you want meaning, if you want peace, if you want life, if you want love…
Believe.
Follow.
Walk.
Walk with Jesus.
This isn’t an just an offering, but an invitation.
From me, yes. But not just from me. From Him. From God & Jesus.
In Jesus, there is hope, change, transformation mind, soul and heart.
And, there’s rest:
“Take my [way] upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my [way] is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30)
For me, walking with Jesus, I don’t have to bear the weight anymore. Of my past, my traumas, my mistakes, my sins.
I don’t have to chase after titles, things, or broken identities to fill or define myself by anymore.
I don’t have to perform or work my way into eternal rest. In fact, I can’t. We can’t. It’s not something we can earn.
It’s a gift… a “gift of God— not by our works, so that no one can boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)
In that gift, I have everything I need.
I’m His.
I’m accepted.
I’m made new.
I’m free.
(Contrary to what this world will tell you, THAT is what a relationship with God, following Jesus, and being filled with His Spirit looks is: freedom.)
And the same can be true and real for you.
This gift…can actually be yours too… if you accept it.
That’s something I learned later in life: accepting & receiving… is something we actually have to choose to do…
…with open hands and hearts
To actually say, “Ok, I accept.”
I get it. There’s a lot of things to believe in this world. But, if you’re still reading, it means you’re at least considering.
I’ll tell you, following Jesus is unique. It’s not about performance. It’s not about earning anything.
It’s about finding yourself loved. It’s about surrendering.
And…
If you think God is evil, I can tell you He’s not.
If you think He’s a hoax, i can tell you, He’s real… alive, moving, working. I see it every day.
If you think He’s hates you… I can tell you, He doesn’t. He’s waiting for you.
If you think you’re too far gone… i can tell you, as long as you draw breath and have the mental faculty to be able to process information and reality, you’ve got every chance. It’s in the next moment, and the one after that…and the one after that.
If you grew up in Christianity like I did and heard it all before, but you were hurt by the hypocrisy, the legalism, by atrocities done “in Christ’s name” … those people were either not Christians or severely led astray and mislead.
They were also human. Fallible.
Jesus isn’t.
Don’t mistake God for the fallen beings that depend on His life breath and grace to live.
It’s safe to assume that atrocity done “in Jesus’ name” has no Jesus attached to it whatsoever.
There are universals we all have to face: We ALL die. There’s no escaping it.
And, whether we like/believe it or not, we’ll ALL give an account to God for how we lived.
But, God made the way to Him. He made it through His Son, Jesus…the Way - the Truth - the Life.
It’s not a call to a life of ease. B/c it’s definitely not easy.
But, it’s better. It’s real. It’s real life…breathing real air.
It’s a chance at a life of more: more good, more meaning, understanding, knowledge… just, overall, far more than we can ever even imagine for ourselves.
Because God is one that wants to give good things to His people…His followers…His family.
If something is holding you back, whether it’s your own intellect and reason, (on that, we as humans are smart, but we’re not THAT smart. God’s wisdom transcends our limited intellect and opinions), or skepticism, possessions, money, sex, status…
If you’re feeling like you’ll have to give everything up…
Listen: there’s nothing in this life, on this planet – in this universe – worth your soul.
So…are you willing to give Jesus a shot?
“Taste and see… that the Lord… He is good.” (Psalm 34:8)