What I Didn't Realize

I didn’t realize that this would hurt like hell.

That moment when everything clicks and all of a sudden you’re aware of yourself, reality, the world, losses, sobering truths that are incredibly loathsome to face… and that sinking feeling that is reminiscent of, “Oh no… no, no, no, no, no….. this is bad.”

And then, it just hurts. When you’re a person like me who didn’t learn how to process pain properly over the years… you become a person blind to the fact that he has dynamite strapped to him, while dancing with swords that have been duct-taped to your hands and elbows while wearing roller skates.

You want to be comforted… but you’re volatile and end up hurting people.

It takes a lot of honesty, love, and pain to get you out of that cycle and back on the right path… a path of sobriety of mind, a path of repentance, and a path of pursuing peace and purpose.

It took two things to get me here: loss… loss of one of the most precious things I could’ve ever known in my entire life and the hammer of hard truth from the kind of loyal, honest friend - someone simply saying, “you’ve been a dick… and have kinda been one for 20 years.” (They didn’t actually say that. That’s my paraphrased gist version). The loss had to come first.

That’s what it took to wake me up….

Wake me up to myself… my sin… to my need of Jesus.

To ‘hope.’ To life. For a chance to live differently…. one I may not have gotten if not for the loss… the humbling.

The loss hurts like hell. The humility is an ongoing refining and struggle… but I’m glad it’s happening.

It just hurts like hell… but I’m here for it… just wish it didn’t cost what it did.